Road to Justice: Catwoman

Catwoman
Directed by: Pitof
Starring: Hallie Berry, Benjamen Bratt, Sharon Stone, Alex Borstein
Released: 2004
Watched: December 21st, 2015

Thoughts Before: A long time ago I made a vow to never watch Catwoman. It looked awful, I've heard terrible things about it from basically everyone who was unfortunate enough to have witnessed it. Tonight, I broke that vow. I set out on this Road to Justice to celebrate DC comics in all of their cinematic outings. My god. They've failed overall so hard, but this. THIS. If I hadn't decided to idiotically sit through every single DC movie in preparation for Dawn of Justice I would have turned this off. This was probably only the second or third movie where a feeling in my heart of hearts told me to turn it off, but I resisted that urge and saw it through. Granted we did watch it at 1.5 times speed so it was shorter but that only worsened the horribly awkward transitions and made the fight scenes sickening.

I paid even less attention to the plot of this one then I did League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Essentially, Hallie Berry dies after seeing something she shouldn't have seen, and then a CGI cat breathes new life into (because you can't get real cats to yowl I guess (also cats do this)), she wakes up all cat like, sleeping in weird places, loving cat nip, hopping around on the furniture, ya know, like Catwoman does. She works at a dead end job, her boss is an asshole, her best friend is Alex Borstein for some reason, and she winds up losing her job and telling her boss off in a new confident way, ya know like Catwoman does. A bunch of random shit happens too, like her best friend faints and then they're in a hospital and then her best friend is with her doctor at the end of the movie? I guess? Or like she breaks into a place, walks up some stairs, smugly sits in a chair swivels around, then goes to walk down some other stairs? What?

Oh, plot. This dude has been following her around, he's a cop, and they fall in love because, well, he's a handsome dude, so they have to, this is a movie dammit. But then she breaks into a jewelry shop (it looks like she's drawn to it to steal a necklace) but it was because some other guy was in there first, so she beats him up. But she steals everything. But in the morning she wakes up and... returns it all in a bag before the cops set up a crime scene or anything? Uh. Okay. And that's her undoing. Her boyfriend cop matches the sorry to another sorry she wrote on an apologetic coffee she gave him. Like cats do. So as he slowly unravels that Catwoman and... whatever Hallie Berry's name was in this movie are the same gal Catwoman gets closer to the truth. In that model agency she worked at her boss was creating some evil lotion, that... made people old and ugly, or gave them super strong skin? I dunno. Most people got wrecked with it, but the main villain got invulnerability to pain. I don't know. The writer's didn't know. No one knows. Catwoman pushes the bitch out of the window at some point, and her boyfriend cop is cool with it cause, well, look at that ass.

Look, this movie has a scene with Hallie Berry smothering a cat nip toy all over her face. This movie is shit. I honestly felt the urge to turn it off, or leave the room the entire time I was watching that. If it wasn't for this blasted Road to Justice malarkey I would never have subjected myself to this, essentially, torture. Praise be to whatever higher power controls the universe though, it's (mostly) uphill from here finally. Don't watch this, save yourself.