Double Justice: Batman Forever and Robin

Batman Forever/Batman and Robin
Directed by: Joel Schumacher
Starring: Val Kilmer, Tommy Lee Jones, Jim Carrey/George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Alicia Silverstone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman
Released: 1995/1997
Watched: November 13th, 2015/November 20th, 2015

Thoughts Before: I watched these as a child, as such I've only ever really viewed these movies as more than cartoons. They've become known for being notoriously bad movies, and I have to agree. Forever sees Batman meet up with his ward who becomes Robin while fighting off Two Face and Riddler. Batman and Robin introduces Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy and even Bane for the dynamic duo to fight, and not only that, but Batgirl shows up as well! How could they possibly ruin this? Joel Schumacher.

Thoughts After: It's kind of depressing that these were "better" than the Superman movies, solely because at least the things happening were so bad they left an impression on me. Something to bitch about during the movie, something to laugh at, some kind of legacy beyond simply "they happened". These are pretty fucking horrible movies though, don't get me wrong. First of all, I want to get something out of the way that my friend pointed out, and I'm not sure whether I'd realized it before. These names are backwards. Batman Forever has Batman meeting Robin, so that makes sense. And Forever, even if these movies don't deserve it, is a great send off title. "Even though this series is done, Batman will forever live on." Kind of epic really. But no. They fuck that up too. I get that maybe Batman and Robin wasn't a for sure thing at the time, but still. Damn.

Two Face and Riddler are played horribly. Basically they're just the Joker at their goofiest. Honestly, my favorite part of Forever has to be getting to see Tommy Lee Jones acting like such an asshole. It's not good acting, it's not Two Face, it doesn't make any sense what so ever. He's sometimes ruled over by his coin flips, but not always. Riddler is just Jim Carrey at his zaniest, which I've never been a fan of. Looking back at some of his movies is just... sad really. I don't even know what their plan was. Riddler tricked Two Face into working with him, and was zapping everyone's intelligence granting it unto himself so he could become an ultra-intelligent king? I don't know. The effect of his machine looked like shit, his plan was shit, they were shit, the movie was shit. Oh and this is Val Kilmer's only role as Batman. He forgettable at best. It just raises too many questions.

Batman and Robin is possibly even worse. George Clooney is a fucking hack in this movie. Okay, fine. George Clooney Bruce Wayne, I can kind of see that, it might work. But he doesn't change his fucking voice in the suit. Fucking George Clooney is Batman, he has a pretty distinct voice, anyone who had ran into both, or even just heard Bruce Wayne's voice (gotta assume he makes appearences from time to time) could deduce his identity. Worse still Batgirl is just some random relative of Alfred's who stops by and just discovers the bat cave cause... she's super intelligent? Lucky? I don't know. Plot said so I guess.

Meanwhile, the villains are admittedly a bit of an improvement. Yes, Uma Thurman's Poison Ivy is pretty shit, she kind of matches up to her personality, just very cartoony. Better than Forever at least. Bane gets it the worst. He's just a dumb brute. But his "incognito" coat and hat are pretty hilarious. Arnold though, he saves the show. "Cool party!" "You know what killed the dinosaurs? THE ICE AGE!" "Everybody, chill!" Almost every single line of his is some sort of ice pun and it is marvelous, but also basically raping the character. At this point though, I'll take it. Poison Ivy tricks Mr. Freeze this time, and they work together for a bit, freezing Gotham, but Ivy wants plants, and Mr. Freeze wants to cure his wife, and then Mr. Freeze finds out he's been had, and they get locked up together and Mr. Freeze keeps his suit in jail and apparently beats the shit out of Ivy. Again, pointless inconsequential movie that gets pretty much everything wrong.

The best part of these movies is that they set the stage for the next three Batman movies. Maybe they didn't. Maybe they would have happened anyway. Maybe, actually, they wouldn't have been so afraid of embracing some of the goofier Batman stuff and maybe they would have been a bit better for it? God dammit. These movies are completely worthless. If I was forced to say one positive about them, it's that the overall design of Gotham is fucking insane. TOWERING highways and skyscrapers abound and make no actual architectural sense really. That's my favorite part, the part that is impossible.

Bonus Round: So, Two Face, Harvey Dent, he's Tommy Lee Jones in this one right? What happened to Lando? Also, if Alfred (and Gordon) is the same in all these movies, why is Bruce Wayne three different people during his tenure? Clearly no involved felt any obligation to keeping Batman's integrity intact with these movies, but it's still just weird that these are all technically connected. Especially when you compare the general world and feel of the Burton films and the Schumacher films. It's also pretty funny that Batgirl is Alfred's relative instead of Gordon's due to Gordon being a fat worthless oaf in these movies.