Games I Beat: Donkey Kong '94

Donkey Kong '94
Platformer
1 Player
System: Nintendo Gameboy
Developer: Nintendo EAD
Year of Release: 1994
Beat: November 7th, 2014

I'm sure you've all heard the story, you know. That one time a couple decades ago when Mario's girl got kidnapped by the big ape Donkey Kong. Poor Pauline never saw it coming. I know you know what the newspapers told us. He grabbed her when they were out and in an incredible show of bravery Mario gave chase through a construction site to get his gal back. There's some variation, a couple people claim at one point the chase took them through a pie factory for some odd reason, but at the end of the day after Mario chased DK to the top of that unfinished building he managed to trick him into falling and the zoo came and took him back home. But that isn't exactly what happened... Submitted for the approval of the It It A Title Society. The Tale of Donkey Kong '94...

The little bits you've been told have been nothing more than a deranged prologue to the horror that our portly protagonist would have to face in his quest to reclaim love lost. After Mario had bashed that final support beam out from under DK he went to embrace the woman he fought so hard to save, but before he could the hairy fist of the beast tore her away from him once more. Taking to the city Mario gave chase over and through buildings, utilizing the environment to the best of his ability. The only question more burning then where did the monster known as Donkey Kong come from, is where this unassuming Italian plumber learned such acrobatic mastery.

Not even the olympic might of our hero could match the primal reflexes of an ape gone mad. Mario learned this first hand, after pummeling Kong with his own barrels he reached out for Pauline however DK grabbed her and managed to escape the city into the nearby forest. In a setting much closer to Donkey Kong's home turf Mario had to gather his wits as he jumped and bobbed between the wild underbrush. But foliage poses little threat to a man driven by pure passion. In a fit of pure barbarianism the ape started to toss live crocodile at Mario, still he marches forth.

In a mad rush Mario bursts through the tree line finding himself on a beach just out of town. He see's nothing but the unmistakable howl of a creature gone mad draws his gaze to a boat just leaving harbor. With agility that would put shame to lightning Mario manages to trapezee himself on to the ship before it had drifted far enough from shore. Miraculously a giant ape with a kidnapped woman proved to be a challenge to find, cruise liner's have really been leaning towards the excessive in recent years. After paving a path of righteous fury Mario finally tracks the ape down, but he had gained control of the ship's machinery. This proved to be little more than a nuisance as Mario danced his way through death itself. However just as Mario reached his precious Pauline the ship lurched, crashing into an island, losing his footing our hero can only watch as DK scampers off into the nearby Jungle.

But men, real men, let nothing stand in the way of their ambitions. Braving the unknown Mario made his way through the treacherous terrain, poison spitting plants, pirahnas, nightmare's that would make lesser men cry seem little more than another platform for our hero to jump from. In the distance Pauline's ceaseless cries of help drove Mario too her, but upon reaching the clearing he found to his terror not just DK, but presumably his son. DK Jr. Operating a machine hidden in the plant life Jr. tried to help his father in keeping Mario's prize out of his hands. This, like all things, was little more than an annoyance to Mario but before he could reach her DK ran from his relentless pursuer, Pauline close by his side. In a panic the beast started tossing poisonous mushrooms at our hero. Almost mockingly Mario took it in stride but soon discovered these mushrooms forced his body to temporarily distort shape, shrinking and becoming mostly useless. Giving Kong the time he needed to escape.

While his tormentor was nowhere to be seen the trail of destruction left in his wake was like an open invitation for Mario. Eventually leading to a desert Mario paused briefly, was this worth it? Was any of this... no. He shook it off, jogging briskly after DK's massive foot prints in the sand. Soon he discovered a pyramid, the monster had obviously been here as mummies and the spirits of the dead permeated this place awoken from their long sleep by nothing short of madness. In a sad ironic twist of fate DK had taken control of ancient traps to kill intruder's. However just as the undead posed little challenge to Mario, neither did the Pharaoh's sinister machinations.

Finally emerging from the tomb the sun briefly blinded Mario. His first sight was of a giant ape rampaging towards a plane getting ready to take off. Without a thought Mario dashed after him, and as he hopped on the plane it took off into the sky. The stakes literally higher than ever the portly plumber wondered how much longer, how much further this ape would push him. Shoving his doubts aside he continued on. More strange puzzles and challenges stood before him, bullets, moving platforms with poor footing above with nothing but god's green Earth below him. Finally cornering his prey at the tail of the ship, the high winds pushing hard against him, Mario put forth a valiant effort but the plane was landing and DK escaped once more. Falling to his knees in exasperation praying to forces unknown for an end to this ceaseless simian inspired trail of despair. Collecting himself, our hero continued on, trying not to be disillusioned by the sheer ridiculousness of it all.

They must have traveled South, ice covered the land and sea as far as Mario could tell. Shivering he marched forward into the cold winds, under dressed but his rage kept Jack Frost at bay. Walruses, nigh freezing water and penguins blocked his way but by now it was all routine. When he reunited with his nemesis DK attempted to impale Mario with icicles and drown him in the freezing water. Just as history repeats himself Mario managed to chase DK off once more. Grabbing the damsel the ape shattered the ice they stood on and used one of the ice fragments to float to a nearby landmass. To his unbridled horror Mario had commandeered his own ice block and landed shortly after him.

Escaping deep into the rocky valley that lay before them Donkey Kong couldn't help but ponder the circumstances that led him here. His instincts drew him to this girl's sparkling necklace and beautiful dress, he just did what animals do. Why was this human following him so far, it must have been most of the Earth they'd traversed by now. This had been the first time DK got his way though, he wouldn't let this man tell him how to live, not now, not ever again. Finding his resolve, as simplistic and primal as they might have been, he made his way to a giant tower in the distance. The sound of the human's shoes bouncing from rock to rock always haunting him, close behind.

Upon reaching the tower the ape knew this was it. This was to be their final battleground. With his son by his side the creatures fought valiantly against the tyranny of this human. Who was he to impose his will on them? They threw everything they had learned in their long journey at him, forced him to utilize ever insane instance of physical prowess this man somehow possessed. And yet he would not waver, he even managed to trap Jr. in one of the tower's many contraptions. Slowly they fought their way up the tower until finally reaching the top. Throwing a barrel at Mario Donkey Kong thought he'd finally won, poetic justice as this was the first weapon he had used in his diabolical scheme to capture Pauline. In his all too early celebration he didn't notice Mario dodge swiftly out of the way as he had so many times before, grabbing the barrel for himself and chucking it at DK's face. Without seeing it coming Donkey Kong fell to the base of the tower, most of his barrels filled with the poisonous mushrooms he'd collected in the jungle fell with him. Darkness.

Mario stared towards the ground as DK quickly disappeared out of sight. Lost in the moment he stood in awe of his Herculean accomplishments. The beautiful voice of the lady he'd fought so hard for, traveled so far for snapped him back into the moment. As he turned to face her broad smile's split their faces. At last, they would know peace from this torment. But as they approached a massive scream echoed all around them for miles.

A giant hand emerged and soon after a truly gargantuan Donkey Kong reared his hideous head. Somehow the mushrooms had altered DK into the monstrosity they saw before them. Always protective he told Pauline to hurry back inside the tower before the final face off between man and nature commenced. Barrel's flew, hands slammed down upon the ground, boots gracefully leapt from platform to platform as two forces clashed. Finally Mario, weary from his impossible struggles, grabbed a barrel he'd deflected moments earlier. Using the last ounce of his strength it flew true and smashed to bits right between Donkey Kong's eyes. His grip loosened, his size began to restore and he toppled from the tower. Mario collapsed as Pauline rushed to his side and he began to laugh. His nightmare finally ended, his lady finally reclaimed, rest well our fair knight for we may have need of you again.